The first stop

As a recent Wheaton College graduate, I thought it necessary to start this first post with a C.S. Lewis quote.

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket - safe, dark, motionless, airless - it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.” - The Four Loves 

I was read this quote on numerous occasions within the last few months by friends who apparently recognized my tendencies to hide behind a facade of self preservation. Even in the midst of difficult circumstances, I would, and still do, put on a happy face and reassure those around me that "It's fine. It'll be good." And up until recently everything was fine, and it was good.

This short passage, or rather this massive slap in the face, took my head in its hands and forced me to stare my insecurities of feeling inferior and broken between the eyes. It's like I'm standing behind a hotel room door looking out through the peep hole seeing my life through a centimeter sized viewing platform. While others are looking through the same peep hole from the other side seeing absolutely nothing. It's not fair to me, or more importantly to others, that any information that I let slip or let in is minimal. I can't love or be loved living a life protecting myself from being broken. Unfortunately, I function quite well in comfortability and tend to seek stability rather than chaos or change.. but with this static nature, I have become hard hearted and probably act 20 years older than any normal 21 year old should. This in between time transitioning out of college and into real life has been challenging to say the least and it truly has hardened me to things of joy and beauty. Luckily, I have friends and family who do act their age and have provided me with a map to find the softness - the peace, joy, laughter, and grace - that I seem to have lost.

This map -- vulnerability. My first stop -- Kenya.

Tomorrow I leave for a year long adventure in Kenya serving at Tenwek Hospital. 3 flights, and 28 hours later, I should arrive in Nairobi to meet my host family! This step towards something completely new and absolutely out of my comfort zone will hopefully lead me to a place of complete surrender in the goodness of our King. I'll attempt to keep you all as updated as possible, but please forgive me if my blogging isn't up to par to the professional bloggers now-a-days.

|| I pray that the coffin of my selfishness will be shattered by the love that I feel and give, the distance between comfort and challenges, and that the very small peep hole that I experience life through now will be transformed into a window of vulnerability. ||